"You're Quitting. You've failed."

I'm a missionary with a bone to pick with the missionary community, and even ministry in general in concerns with the church, and a wife in defense of her husband - so buckle up. I've always been rather candid and raw on my blog posts so don't expect that to change now. It hasn't and it won't. Consider this your caveat, disclaimer, or "trigger warning" to the following honest rant.

What is it about the missionary community, and the body of Christ, that gives them permission to treat missionaries like batteries? A comedian once stated that batteries are "either working or they're dead." It seems like this gets applied to missionaries. Why does a missionary have to literally die on "the field" or at best, retire after three decades of service, to not be classified or considered "a failure" to the other parts of the body of Christ? Where did we learn the unwritten rules of qualifying time to be a success in missions or ministry? Only ONE decade...."You're just quitting and leaving. You're a failure like all the rest." Where did we learn the unwritten rules of where it's "most holy" to serve, or that location determines a missionary's worth? "Oh, you're leaving "the field,".....guess you're not a real missionary."

Have you ever looked at a person in ministry and mentally determined them to be a failure because they moved locations, changed positions, needed a break, took a sabbatical, or because they actually changed jobs? Since when is it more holy to serve God from one location overseas, but not to serve him in your home country and culture? When is the last time you looked at the person sitting in the pew next to you and did that to them because they changed careers, houses, a car, or church body?

I know I'm guilty of the former myself, even being on "the field" and being a missionary myself. I've sat there after being told that a family is leaving, and I've judged them both in journey and God's will for their lives. I did it before I was a missionary, and I've done it as a missionary, mostly in my earlier years before I got overwhelmed and traumatized and broken down by life here. Before I understood. I sat there with my high tolerance for pain, lacking insight into their struggles (because if you struggle as a missionary, you're either weak or not called, right?), and the spiritual journey they may have been on. I assumed that "God leading them" away or to something else was that clever little caveat that Christians get to use to cover up why they're leaving, quitting, or have failed. The spiritual scapegoat.

I would never have spoken that aloud, especially to them, but it was there, just like it's held inside of so many within the missionary community, often because of the pain we experience when there is a severing and someone leaves. We feel betrayed. We feel abandoned. We sigh with weariness as we shoulder more now. We stagger with the invisible weight of self-righteousness and remind ourselves never to get close to new families who come here. We we we we. In our pain it's easier to push the other person away instead of actually believing that God has directed them to leave. That thought doesn't sit well with us about God, nor does the pain in our hearts that the departure is causing. Easier to carry on in denial, anger, and possibly bitterness. Easier to look at the missionary in your church that has returned and think "failure," than hear about their struggles, humanity, or that God might have a purpose we don't understand.

I have never spoken those words of "You're just quitting" or "You're a failure" to a fellow missionary, despite having those thoughts in years past, but some have. Some I've watched do it with their silence and cold shoulder, but some have actually shouted the words to another. Some, who claim to serve and love Jesus, and be a part of the body of Christ, have done harm through their hurtful words, and been an instrument for evil in the lives of those missionaries during one of the most difficult and vulnerable times in their lives. Instead of taking the time to hear about what's going on in the missionaries' lives and hearts, how God has shown them His will in the change, and what they've been through during their ministry, some people have judged God's will for the missionaries and executed them through a deadly verbal assault to the heart. It's like the "scarlet letter" of missions with a big "F" on our chests for all to see.

This happened to Dave by a national staff friend in the last few days who is responsible for handling the shipments to and from here. Dave went to him to talk to him about the requirements for shipping our household goods back, and the man flayed Dave's heart, refusing to even listen at all. The man was clearly hurting and discouraged, but to literally tell someone who you treated like a friend for a decade that "they're not a real missionary" because that missionary isn't "dying on the field," is evil. It's allowing yourself to be used as an instrument of the enemy to hurt, discourage, and discredit God's servants all over the globe, and it should be a place of shame for the Christian body, to be used that way to hurt another servant of Jesus.

I can't say I'm guilty of judging a fellow pew-sitter of the same, except in the case of the others in ministry at the church. Are we not all called to be missionaries and servants of Christ, no matter where we live, first to our neighbors, then our community, then the nations? Where did the standards, or should I even say grace become different? Why does a man who has sacrificially served the Lord in one of the hardest places to live on the earth, get to be criticized and flayed so mercilessly for following God's directing to leave? Staying when God's will has directed you to leave is just as bad as leaving, when God's will has directed you to stay. Being inside God's will for our lives, regardless of location, is where we need to be, missionary or not.

Being real, as a wife, it makes me both furious and heart-broken for my husband that another person could ever say such horrible things to him. Dave is an amazing man, highly skilled, living a sacrificial life, who loves Jesus and serves his family. If you know him, really know him, you couldn't call him a failure, or that he's not a missionary. He grew up as a MK and has always had a heart to be in missions, serving God with his passion for aviation. He has served God wherever he's been his entire life and will continue this after our transition back. But somehow, in the eyes of others, that's not enough if he doesn't literally die in Congo. He must not only never leave, but die on "the field," sacrificing his family on the alter of "missions."

This man's words are cruelty being used by the enemy to strike at the most-vulnerable places in our hearts. The man refused to listen, cutting off Dave's words, who longed to bring the man into our journey. How easy it is to believe the negative of others, when we're looking through the lense of our own loss. I get it. I've been the one being "left" over and over from the last decade, with my heart hurt many times. We must ask ourselves - have we been used by the enemy to strike at the hearts of His missionaries during times like these? I find myself asking, have I?

I'm honestly not sure, as I've never spoken those words out loud to anyone, but I do know that going forward I'll be sure to take the time to still my judgements and listen to the missionary's heart and their journey. I'm glad I can say I grew in understanding in that area in the last half of my time here. We've had many friends leave but with taking a moment to pause the judgement, and listen, you can hear the journey and reasoning underneath their decision. Everything we've worked for has been destroyed and it's impossible to rebuild. We've been through too much and need time to heal. Their voices are still there, communicating the pain, and listening for it while hearing them out, is loving them well. I hope I have loved well, in the second half of my time here, and that God will use me to continue loving well in the future.

We need to do better as a missions community, the church, and the body of Christ towards our missionaries and those in ministry. We need to extend them grace, regardless of their location, duration of service, tolerance for pain, or the job they have. We need to sit down with them, see around our own pain, and listen to their journey and what God is doing in their lives. You don't always have to agree, that wouldn't be biblical or loving in some cases, but we do need to listen and be open to dialogue. We need to love each other, and the missionaries too. We need to reform our thinking about what success versus failure, and changes versus quitting is in missions. Our location doesn't determine holy or unholy. Our tenure length doesn't determine success or failure. We're not "working" or "dead" to be thrown in the trash. God's will is where we all need to be, whether that be coming or going. We need to be the hands and feet of Jesus, loving the missionaries in transition, not people who are used by the enemy in their lives. We need to remember Missionaries are not batteries.