The In-Between

We leave Congo permanently in less than a month. I can barely grasp what all that means, after having lived here for ten years, and this change coming down the pipeline taking over two years to get to this point. Waiting is difficult and it takes a toll. Everyday you're attempting to live your normal, but you have an impending life change looming over you, always in the back of your mind, and frequently at the front of it. Not having answers takes its toll too, but luckily we have a few of those now, just not all.

Are we packing this, selling it, giving it away, or even throwing it away? Does it go in our housing shipment or in our airline bags? Do we have the weight for it? Is it more valuable to me than this thing over here which is also heavy, when both might not fit? If we're selling this, then how much do we charge when you can't get it here, but it's used? Will we have enough money to replace our furniture later? These are only a few of the questions that float through your mind as you slowly begin to sort your entire household of items, from your underwear and socks, all the way up to your paintings on the wall and furniture.

I'm happy to say, God has blessed us in this moving process, because MAF has decided to purchase most of our furniture and it will stay in this house for the next temporary Program Director and his family. It makes it significantly less stressful for us, as we will have beds to sleep on right up until the morning we leave. We were also able to find a buyer for my beloved 4-wheeler, that I spent so many days riding around on when we lived in Nyankunde, but haven't used much since moving to the city. It left today, which was hard on the kids but gave us all a chance to practice a 'purposeful goodbye'. The temporary PD's family will also be keeping all of our animals, which is another huge praise and burden lifted from our hearts. All of this will also help make the transition much easier for the children.

If you're not aware, transition is hard, and it can be especially hard on children. They don't have the mental capabilities to process transitions like we do as adults, and it's something that our boys, especially our oldest, has had to deal with their entire lives. Just the other day, it occurred to me, that I've never had the privilege to parent in a stable environment; stable meaning not a warzone, not evacuating ever 1-2 years, not leaving and returning from furlough, not having coworkers and friends disappear each year. That alone, is one of the reasons our family needs this change. Without stability, even going on a vacation sounds miserable.

For our kids, transition means short tempers, a lot of crying, poor behaviors (even in some extreme ways that are unsafe), and many, many, confusing and mixed-up emotions. Feelings of not wanting to leave, but not wanting to stay, excited and scared all at once, happy and sad. I'm an adult and I can barely manage to sort through all that I'm feeling here right now at times. I also have a shorter fuse than normal, am facing the grief of leaving despite knowing the change is needed, and am utterly exhausted beyond what a vacation would be capable of restoring. This recovery is going to take intention over several years. They say the average time for re-entry acclimation is about three years, and that's without added complications of trauma and burnout.

So, what have we been doing the last few months, since returning to Congo? In a nutshell, recovering from evacuation and facing all kinds of new challenges, and some challenges reminiscent of the past.

Evacuation is a strange disruption to life, and we had to get resettled back in; unpacking, cleaning up the mess from packing when leaving in a hurry, dealing with emotions, and trying to find our rhythm again. Our first week back we got a chicken coop and pen built and we started school back up again. We had a couple birthdays in the mix, and some good times with friends before they left for their furloughs. We were grateful to be home, without a doubt.

We also had some very difficult and stressful things come up, one situation in particular that lasted 6 weeks, and really drudged up some difficult memories from the past. We've had other difficult things, like discovering poor choices made by our kids (amongst the daily, even hour-to-hour melt downs), other people making hurtful comments about our departure, and more. It's been overall a difficult and stressful last 6 months.

Dave mentioned that it's been like reliving all of the low points of our career here which feels like a spiritual warfare thing to get us to quit MAF. I can agree looking at everything and just this minute I had to take a break from writing this post because we found more ticks....our dog and our front porch is infested and they're beginning to crawl into the house and up our walls, giving me flashbacks to the infestation we had in Nyankunde. Sigh. I am weary.

It's also been a challenge in the faith department. It's challenging standing still and depending on God's provision in the face of what seems like the insurmountable challenges of finding an affordable home, that fits our family's needs and won't be a shack or total dump. Our oldest the other night had a dream about us going on a camping trip because we were stressed about not being able to afford a house, and he dug up a treasure chest by a lake in the mountains and saved us. Some days, that's what it feels like it will take. LOL. We appreciate all your prayers in this area, that God will provide for us.

These days that make up the "in-between" period are filled with questions, stressors, grief, excitement and anticipation, and tasks like packing, sorting, and selling. It's also filled with mini-counseling sessions to help our kiddos process the upcoming change - I still continue to praise God for the experience he gave me of working at the mission those many years ago that created a foundation for this. It's a mixture of sunny days and rainy days, taking things as they come, while you navigate the "in-between."